Let’s get one thing straight: Heart Eyes is not a good movie. But is it entertaining? Absolutely. If you’re looking for a cinematic experience that feels like someone threw a bunch of random genres into a blender and hit “puree,” then congratulations, Heart Eyes is your new guilty pleasure. Spoilers ahead, because honestly, you’re not missing much.
What Is Heart Eyes About?
Heart Eyes is a bizarre mashup of genres that somehow tries to be a Hallmark romance, a campy slasher, a gore-filled horror, and a dark comedy—all at once. The story follows a group of friends who rent a secluded cabin in the woods (because of course they do) for a weekend getaway. The twist? One of them, the overly bubbly and annoyingly optimistic Mia (played by someone who clearly studied the Hallmark Channel for inspiration), has just gotten engaged. Her friends are there to celebrate, but things take a turn when a pair of masked killers show up to ruin the party.
The killers, who are inexplicably named “Cupid” and “Devotion,” have a thing for targeting couples. Their MO? They carve heart-shaped wounds into their victims’ chests. Because nothing says “love” like gratuitous gore, right?
The Genre Roulette
Heart Eyes tries to do everything, and it fails spectacularly at most of it. Let’s break it down:
- Hallmark Romance: The first 20 minutes of the movie are pure Hallmark cheese. Mia and her fiancé, Jake, are so sickeningly sweet that you’ll be rooting for the killers by the time they show up. There’s even a montage of the couple frolicking in the woods, complete with a ukulele soundtrack.
- Campy Slasher: Once the killers arrive, the movie shifts into full-on camp mode. The dialogue is cheesy, the kills are over-the-top, and the characters make decisions so stupid you’ll want to scream at the screen. (Why would you split up in the woods? WHY?)
- Gore-Fest Horror: The kills are where Heart Eyes actually shines—if you’re into that sort of thing. The heart-shaped wounds are creative, and there’s enough blood to satisfy any horror fan. One particularly gruesome scene involves a character getting their heart literally ripped out. It’s gross, it’s unnecessary, and it’s kind of amazing.
- Dark Comedy: The movie tries to inject humor into the chaos, with mixed results. There’s a running gag about one of the friends, Dave, who keeps trying to propose to his girlfriend despite the fact that they’re being hunted by killers. It’s funny in a “this is so dumb” kind of way.
Character Development (or Lack Thereof)
The characters in Heart Eyes are about as deep as a puddle. Mia is the stereotypical “girl next door,” Jake is the bland fiancé, and the rest of the friends are just there to die. The most interesting character is Dave, who at least has a semblance of a personality (he’s the comic relief, obviously).
As for the killers, Cupid and Devotion, they’re about as one-dimensional as it gets. We get zero backstory on why they’re obsessed with carving hearts into people, and honestly, the movie doesn’t even try to explain it. They’re just there to look creepy and kill people, which is fine if you’re into that sort of thing.
Should You Watch It?
Here’s the thing: Heart Eyes is not a good movie by any objective standard. The plot is nonsensical, the characters are forgettable, and the tone is all over the place. But if you’re in the mood for something so bad it’s good, this might be right up your alley.
I’d recommend waiting until it’s available to stream, preferably on a night when you have nothing better to do. Grab some popcorn, turn off your brain, and enjoy the chaos. Or, if you’re feeling particularly tired, use it as background noise for a nap. You won’t miss much.
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